‘’She’s not talking to me, she’s really upset. I can’t believe you told her… I was staying with her. I’ve got nowhere to go, my family aren’t talking to me and I’m losing my job. I hope you’re fucking happy’’. I have one hard look over the text then I click send: it’s been one week.
It’s 5.10pm and my day is done, all I want to do is smoke as many cigarettes as I can on my drive home, drink diet coke and pop some more ephedrine so I’ve got some life in me before I see my new girlfriend. I get back from the shops with the pack in hand to find that the fucking PI Lawyer hasn’t moved his Audi TT and I’m still boxed in… It’s 5.20pm now and I’ve got an hour drive home, I’m infuriated and even more so because it’s him, the fat cunt.
I declined an offer for a drink with the barrister after work and with this imprisonment I might as well get one, I phone Mike and to my surprise he’s with his sister and he’s still more than willing for me to meet him. This throws me into pure skepticism considering his previous direct refusals after getting into the a discussion of what’s the most random things we’ve put into a our girlfriends.. he said yogurt, I said crucifix, this has put his sister out of my limits, naturally.
With this uncertainty I still scurried to the pub, it’s the Pump House yet again because Mike is pursuing the bar maid there. She has the resembles of Naomi Watts and she’s been less than forth coming to Mike, with all his money, looks and charisma she’s managed to learn, probably the hard way, that she’d be nothing more than a fuck.
I get there, still in my suit, to my amazement he wasn’t lying: they’re talking in the corner of the room and they haven’t noticed me, he’s wearing his pin striped Versace suit: fleeting thought: buy Armani suit NYC. I take the opportunity to pop to loos and have a look at myself before my introduction. I get back to the bar, get a Heineken and hesitantly approach them. He notices me and tells her I’m Sef from MJR Solicitors, surprisingly she gives me a warm welcome and I wonder if Mike has warned her away or not or informed her of any of the ‘deplorable’ things I’ve done to my women in my life (but legend worthy things to him and his friends). The night before Mike texted me saying : ‘Have you ever fucked a girl with a Champagne bottle and have her spray it out in your face? It stings the eyes!’ he didn’t know I accidently left my phone at my girlfriends place and she read the message…
Mike’s sister doesn’t have much of a resemblance to him, maybe the nose, the last four women I’ve slept with are far prettier than her but I’m drawn to her and I know why, it’s his sister and they’re a family of barristers, I picture myself sitting around a table with his family being her loving boyfriend who’s secretly dead inside and who is just bridging the gap between being a solicitor to a barrister.
She tells me her name is Lotte, I already know this but I go through the formalities none the less, I tell them I can’t stay for long because I’m meeting my girlfriend and then they go on this relentless effort for me to stay out with them.
‘Because you’ve got a girlfriend doesn’t mean you can’t live your own life’
‘Look how unhappy you are, just stay out and enjoy yourself’
‘If you actually love her, you wouldn’t be here deliberating, you’d be gone’ (they’ve got me with this one)
I counter as many as I can but it’s difficult to argue against a barrister/future one, and inevitably I’m convinced to stay with them, I text my girlfriend saying I’m staying out, she replies ‘fine, so am I’.. I’m sent into an instant paranoid panic that she’s going to fuck someone else tonight and I reassure myself she won’t after the effort it’s taken for me to break down her walls and how different it was with me and my ex, fucked her the second time I met her and it would have been on the first encounter if I wasn’t busy fucking someone else, the fucking cunt.
Anyway… we move on from the pub to the restaurant, the topic of discussion is money and Mike confesses he makes 2 thousand a week: and I’ve seen how little work he does: fleeting thought: Drive nail through my hand. I get some gentle hints that Lotte likes me and in the Casino I and she hit Black Jack alone and make a nice one that guarantees that the rest of tonight are ‘free’. Mike decides to leave early and to my shock he tells Lotte and I to stay out drinking and get a taxi back to his at the end of the night. I wait for about 20 seconds after he leaves and I lean in for a kiss, she kisses me back: an hour later we’re undressing one another in his spare room. To my surprise she has massive tits, her clothes had hidden them too well and for some reason she tells me not to tell Mike that she smoked a few cigs with me tonight because she only has one lung.. for reasons I don’t know, I instantly grab her breast have a good examination of them, she instantly reacts and says ‘you can’t see the marks of where it’s been taken out, I was born this way, you dick’, I felt daft but what was I expecting? An outline like a crime scene murder. I know sex is utterly wrong especially because I have a girlfriend, who I adore but the principle of Lotte being the barristers sister inspires me for motivation I can’t really understand but feel it’s necessary.
The morning comes and Mike bangs on the door and tells me to get ready for work oh and to get off his sister, I get up, give Lotte a kiss and tell her I like her and she says ‘she’s glad’ I get dressed, unwashed and put on my dirty clothes with my contacts left in from the night before. I feel more than rough. Mike is driving me to work in his Merc and I’m feeling a little awkward to say the least, he tells me not to worry about his sister and I get to work.
I walk into the Office, the two secretaries are there and I tell them ‘guess what I did last night, I bedded Mike’s sister………..’
Julie: are you pissed?
Me: No, why?
Julie: Do you realise how loud you’re being?
Me: What? Give me a high five already.
Julie: Get in your office now, if one of the partners sees you like this you’ll be fired, I’ll get you coffee and toast.
Me: I’ve got court in half an hour.
Julie: You’re not going to court like that, get in your room.
Me: Fine.. So no high fives?
She leave me hanging.
She gives me coffee: black, my smirk unmoved: I tell them all about what happened last night then do nothing for four hours and take lunch, I decide to buy another pack of cigs and smoke ten on my lunch break rather than eating, which makes me feel deathly ill. I go back to office and go straight to the toilet, I feel sick but I can’t vomit. I lay on the floor in the fetul position for hours and then I begin to vomit relentlessly and go back into the fetal position. While I’m lying there, sun gleaming through the window even with this self inflicted pain I feel like a king. I get a text off Lotte saying ‘so have you done it? Have you left her?x’
I get a vague memory of promising to leave my girlfriend for Lotte.. I like my girlfriend, a lot more than this girl and with my brain in pain I begin devising a text that not only rejects Lotte but leaves her not hating me. I conjure up something that I’m quite proud of in my futile state and I press send.
Giggling to myself, still feeling like a King I get a reply….
‘fuck you, you had me convinced, those useless bullshit excuses, Mike will hear about this and your precious girlfriend’
Fuck you Karma, fuck you Jesus.
(shortly after writing this someone just drove into my car taking the side mirror mostly off, forgive me karma, forgive me Jesus)
The Lawyer
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